By Annonymous

"I was diagnosed only about 6 months ago, when I was 36, and now I am 37. Since the diagnosis is so new, I do not really feel qualified to discuss in-depth everything that it means at this point, simply because I have not figured it all out yet. I realized when I was younger that people do not seem to like me when I am my true self, so I needed to put on a facade in order to garner acceptance. I first had this awakening sometime in middle school, where I was bullied horrifically. I was a shy and quiet child and identified as gifted, so I had always assumed that it was because I was a nerd. I have never been officially diagnosed with other mental health issues, but I have always set my life up in such a way that it was comfortable for me. I now realize that I may have been hindering myself in an effort to avoid taking too many uncomfortable risks and decided recently to go back to school for a graduate degree.

I have been lucky in life in that I always had one or two friends who completely accepted me for who I am, and even tended to encourage me. For instance, when my son was a toddler, and I decided to sew all of his clothing; I had a friend who wanted me to use my skills to make clothing for her daughter too (rather than scoff that I was weird). I met my now-husband when I was in my teens, and we share so many characteristics that I never felt painfully abnormal. When we were younger we would wonder what was wrong with others, rather than consider that we were the ones with differences.

Ironically, I discovered my diagnosis through my son. A few years ago, a therapist told us that he thought our son “sort of” had Asperger's, and that information might be helpful, even though the groups available to people with ASD might not be a proper fit. We tried him in a group for children with ASD, and indeed it was not a good fit. However, over time I realized that I share the traits that my son has that made the therapist think Asperger's.

So I contacted AANE to find a therapist who specializes in adult ASD, and that psychologist said that she did think I have Asperger's. I think that having the diagnosis is extremely helpful to me on a personal level because for the first time in my life, everything that happened to me in the past made sense. Also, I am learning to leverage my strengths and work around my weaknesses now that I am back in school. Apparently I have been offending people all of my life, often oblivious that I was doing so! I finally understand why certain things that seem so easy to others are so difficult for me, and why I am able to hyperfocus my way through other tasks and come out on top. I am not “out” with my diagnosis, except to family and two friends. I think I come off as eccentric, and I have a feeling that some at school may suspect that I have Asperger's, because I am probably not as “passable” as I like to pretend I am. I am not sure. I wish that staring at people in the eyeballs was not the norm, or at least that it was not considered so important.

I would love it if more women would be open with their diagnoses. If more women start coming forward, I think that more of us will recognize the similarities in ourselves, and seek 24 the correct diagnosis. I am worried about what disclosure will mean to my future career prospects, but I am also tired of posturing as someone that I am not in order to be accepted. I feel like I am blazing my own trail out here, because like my son, I do not quite fit into the ASD groups. Still, I would highly recommend seeking a diagnosis if there are suspicions because becoming more self-aware is invaluable."